Two Week Update

Two weeks. I really can't believe it's been two weeks since I... shoot, I don't know what to call it. Got sick? It doesn't really seem appropriate; this isn't like a cold or flu. The neurologist says that I have a brain injury, technically, but I can't even say that because it's not as though I got hit on the head, y'know? It's been two weeks since my brain hit the self-destruct button, how'thats that?

I had a doctor's appointment on Thursday where I met the woman who is going to be my new GP. The hospital about flipped when they found out that I didn't have a regular doctor, (that's what the same-day clinic is for!) so I had to get on the ball and get one asap. Dr. C seems nice enough. You know, though, it's almost amusing to have an illness(?) so serious that it blows the mind of the staff. The nurse who did my preliminary was shocked, and even the doctor was extremely concerned and amazed at the extent of my symptoms.

I'm getting pretty frustrated with my vision. I've noticed that I'm worse in the mornings; I wake up really dizzy, and the room spins. Even closing one eye leaves the other eye moving without my control. It tends to improve as the day goes on, and I can at least have a few minutes of stillness later on. And there's a spot in my vision about a foot in front of me where everything is clear. Closer than that, or further away, it's all divided again. I'm not sure what's going on there; I don't feel like I've had much improvement in a few days. I'm definitely going to have to talk to Dr. R about it when I see her on Tuesday.

Mobility is improving though! I practiced walking on my own yesterday. I think I walk like a toddler. L says that I walk like I'm drunk. The right side of my body is all jerky and uncoordinated, but I can shuffle along as long as I go slowly and I have something to grab onto in case I lose my balance.

I really want to keep moving and doing as much as I can. I don't want to sit here in this chair and get worse or weaker because I'm not doing anything. My hands have been weak and uncoordinated (I think I said before that writing is a challenge?) so I've been trying to use them as much as possible. I got some really thick, chunky yarn and I'm using some large knitting needles, and I'm just trying to keep my hands active. With my sight being so awful, it's been interesting, but I'm not really looking for a finished product, I just want to keep trying to get stronger.

I'm worried about my job; I've been gone for two weeks now. My supervisor, of course, knows what's going on, and I've already filed for an emergency medical leave and job-protected status. I'm not worried about losing my job, but I'm stressed about what everyone's thinking about me missing so much work. People there sort of made me feel like shit when I took so much time off when my mom was dying, and I feel like I'm going to be walking back into that when I get back...assuming that I GET back and that this is something I can heal from.

That's...really about it. Next on the doctor agenda is a meeting with my neurologist on Tuesday. Hopefully she'll have some answers for me, or at least let me know how I'm progressing in relation to other patients that she's seen with similar issues.

Update, week one.

So here we go, it's officially been more than a week since this happened to me.

I actually don't have much new to share.

I've enabled my blog to accept voice-to-text from my phone, so please be forgiving of grammar and spelling crimes committed.

I still can't see clearly. That hasn't improved one bit. I still have double vision. All of the 'switching from one eye to another' has been bringing up horrific headaches. It's just easier to keep my eyes closed all the time.

Sensation is still missing on my left. It's the weirdest damn thing, and I wish I could explain it better. I can feel that something is htappening, but couldn't identify the sensation. This morning I woke up completely uncomfortable, but couldn't figure out why. Turns out, the half of my body that can't feel was outside of my covers and freezing cold, while my brain thought I was warm and cozy because the rest of me was under covers.

In the car, I can feel the air of the A/C moving on my body, but couldn't tell you if it was hot or cold. I can hold a bowl of icecream in my left hand and feel the moisture dripping down my hand, but can't tell if a dollop of ice cream has fallen out on my hand.

I only fell over twice today when walking with my walker. L laughed, but for me, that's an improvement. I still get insanely dizzy, the room spins and I just go.

I've been getting weird flashes of 'lightning' through my left side. My optimistic side is hoping that the nerves are reconnecting, but I have no clue.

We still have no answers as to what's causing this. We have no answers if it's going to go away, or when.

Today was a bad day. I'm scared that this is going to be the rest of my life. I'm scared I'm not going to get to see again, or do the things I love without help. I keep thinking of all the things I wanted to do and I may have wasted my chance.

I was offered an opportunity I've wanted for YEARS. I had to turn it down because I can't accept it in this condition. I sobbed when I hung up the phone. It's just too cruel.

L has been amazing with helping me. She does everything I can't, even grocery shopping today. She's fabulous, and patient, which I need right now. But I know she's scared, too. I feel so helpless. Even the things I manage to do take so much energy and effort. I filled a bottle in the soda stream today, and discovered I'm not strong enough to tighten the seal, so the water got everywhere. Afterward, I was exhausted, just from getting up and doing it.

I'm so frustrated.

I want this to be over. I think I could handle the rest of my symptoms much better if only I could see.

The idea that this could be it, this could be what life is like for the rest of my life is overwhelming.

Sorry to be lame and depressing today.